The Clubcard Chronicals

Personnel: Tom
Location: Local Park
Type of Recliner:  Bench
Reason for Lounge: Waiting
Relative Comfort Rating: 3/5

By way of an introduction to this: I get quite excited learning about the inner working of huge international brands. I know it probably sounds really sad, but I love learning about Disney and I remember trying to learn all i could about the Tesco clubcard system when it launched years ago. I thought about this at the time and i reminded myself about it today, so thought i would share it.

The clubcard system essentially tracks what you, as an individual, buy in any Tesco anywhere in the country. Of course, it’s a loyalty thing, because by building up points you can make savings and they can recommend deals and additional products to you. It’s pretty clever really - not mind blowing, i’ll give you that - but smart none the less.

More interesting, is that they can track spending trends across all their customers and thus stock stores and direct local promotions more efficiently.

But, however you look at it, this starts with the individual, and this information must be stored somewhere, which Tesco presumably can and do access. If one were to look at someones spending history it would create a little story of our life. What we buy and how we buy it unwittingly demonstrates a lot about ourselves and how we live.

So here was my plan…

Sign up a brand new Tesco clubcard (in a different name) and go in regularly and purchase microwave dinners for one for about a month. Then go in an buy a box of chocolates and a large expensive bunch of flowers. A few days later go in and buy a box of condoms.

Leave it about 2 weeks and then go in a buy a pregnancy test.

An hour later go in and buy a carving knife, black bin bags, rubber gloves, a large bottle of bleach and a shovel.

Then never go back.

Anyone that happens to look at my store history is gunna freak.

Another Train Inspired Oddity

Personnel: Tom
Location: Metropolitan Line
Type of Recliner:  Train Seat
Reason for Lounge: Attempted rhyme due to shock
Relative Comfort Rating: 1/5

Twas the week before Christmas and I headed to town,
the train line was busy, but i managed to sit down.

Now during my journey, in came a dad,
a daughter, a buggy and shopping he had.

The pushchair, a box and a few things more,
were left to one side of the carriage door.

 A few seats away, and to my surprise
our protagonist pulled, from his jacket, some fries.

He shared them with daughter and proceeded to chatter,
when, to their great shock, there sounded a clatter!

The stroller, which I did mentioned before,
had fallen and caused the loud crash on the floor.

Its contents were strewn, there was shopping and presents,
and this is where strange twists the turn of events,

for one of the items to have taken the tumble,
was returned to our man, who gives thanks with a mumble.

He returns to the safety of his seat,
and then peeks in the box which he placed at his feet.

Then taking a chip from his young darling poppet,
he opened the box-flap and in he did drop it.

That’s right, for inside there was something alive,
and don’t worry reader, the poor thing did survive.

I couldn’t quite see if it were creature or fowl,
but I am pretty sure that it wasn’t an owl.

I continued to guess, it became quite a habit
and after a while i concluded: a rabbit.

A few stops later and they got up to leave
our man gathered shopping, plus rabbit, with a heave.

My mind quickly raced, thinking “Should I confront?”
But I didn’t, i should have, cos the man was a silly billy.

CV or not CV

Personnel: Tom
Location: Office
Type of Recliner:  Sofa
Reason for Lounge: Bemusement
Relative Comfort Rating: 4/5

I had thought to write about this a while ago but then thought better of it at risk of hurting peoples feeling if they were to happen upon this and read it… but i’ve changed my mind. I now offer up this post as a public service.

Over the last year i have received a LOT of CVs for potential employees and interns. As i’m sure you can imagine those in the intern pile, in general, will offer much less in terms of relevant or for that matter valuable experience. Clearly a lot of effort goes into the production of such a document and there is a lot of information out there as to ‘what employers look for’ and i guess some of it is accurate. However, it sadly isn’t going to help if your experience includes ‘assisting with tea and coffee serving after church’ (I kid you not) or being the school ‘perfect’ (auto-correct strikes again!).

The other thing that seems to be a trend recently is a cover letter which is supposed to engage with me displaying literary skill and sparkling personality. This does not work when the letter is clearly a template where you have just filled in my company name. “[your company’s] values have intrigued my wisdom to learn more about this passion and how it falls into the sectors you provide.” - this just says to me that you’re trying (and succeeding) to be overly pretentious as well as sucking up to me. Now i like a bit of ass kissing like the next man… (…oh, you know what i mean), but I think you should give your potential employer a little credit when this is obviously something that you’re just copy pasting to 100 different people.

Finally, I received one CV recently entirely written in comic sans. As a designer I died a little inside. I did her the decency of reading it and sadly the applicant was horrifically under-qualified because the CV was so well written that i read it right to the end and seriously considered her for the intern position. So, I guess presentation and experience aren’t everything… but they certainly help!

A rant will ensue…

Personnel: Tom
Location: A padded room
Type of Recliner:  The floor
Reason for Lounge: Aaaaaaaargh
Relative Comfort Rating: 0/5

I don’t really use twitter religiously, however i like to keep up to date with what people feel is current and important in the world. As i write Japan and the surrounding areas are in a horrible state due to earthquake and flooding and naturally this is world news. I am concerned as i know people who know people that live in surrounding lands. These are times coated in a thick layer of poo.

However i am rather perplexed to see a twitter hashtag emerging; displayed thusly: #prayforjapan

I may be entirely wrong but from what i understand of the Gmeister, and without wanting to get into any particular thesis of explanation, didn’t he (in one way or another) cause this…?

Either, He created it, possibly as some kind of test of faith or (i have heard it argued) as a punishment(… i’m sorry what!?). Or he willingly lets it take place (as if some kind of random generation Destructertron 2.0 has just switched on) without intervention, and why would he - if he didn’t for Hitler it would be an odd way of showing his support now especially seeing as 84% of Japan don’t claim any specific religion.

So i ask, to what end am I being requested to pray for Japan…? Am i asking the He does intervene or perhaps i’m just praying for the people that have been effected by the atrocity, presumably, as i say, to the dude that made it happen or could’ve stopped it at least. I’m sure the families do appreciate the thought of caring individuals around the world and it is amazing how people come together at times like this, but i can’t help feeling that it’s a patronizing empty non-attempt to actually do anything of any use. If God isn’t going to intervene, which i think it’s safe to say he’s not, he’s also not going to do anything to help the families of those who have been effected and as far as i’m concerned - sending happy thoughts in someone’s general direction perhaps is a past time better suited to the Zeitgeist movement.

So, may i suggest #helpjapan or #dosomethingthatwillmakeadifferenceinjapan or even #stairsafetyawareness seeing as over 1000 people a year die from falling down the stairs each year in the UK alone.

Wordz [part 2]

Badassity
adj.

The act or art of being a Bad Ass.

My Bath : Homeopathy

Personnel: Tom
Location: The Bathroom
Type of Recliner:  The Bath
Reason for Lounge: The pursuit of hygiene
Relative Comfort Rating: 5/5

Warm, soapy & submerged. I had a thought… I quickly stopped what i was doing and proceeded to consider it.

Is perhaps ‘the bath’ the perfect metaphor/parallel for ‘alternative medicine?

Now, i’m not exactly an anthropologist (by ‘exactly’ i mean ‘at all’) but when i imagine or read about neanderthals I tend to not picture them in the enamel plumbing fixture we all enjoy today. Obviously. But we can see how it made sense to invent something which would hold water so that we could bathe in the comfort of, both, the indoors and warm water. Obviously.

However, to this day, despite someone jumping on the hygiene bandwagon and came up with several improvements to the process (namely hoses and power showers), eliminating the need to sit and stew in our own filth, we still do.

It must be said that I actually much prefer a bath to a shower as, in this glorious age of modernity and the free world, it is my entitlement to. But it did make me think that there is a parallel (however wavering) to the use of alternative medicines.

Take for example Homeopathy. Proven time and time again, for nearly 200 years, to be a whole pile of male cow’s excrement. Yet, for several reasons (including, most prominently but in no particular order: ignorance, mis-education & idiocy), people still will go as far as arguing its use in the fight against AIDs, which i think is more than a horrific thought.

So despite the clear advantages to other methodologies ‘we’ still persist in using outdated, less effective ways of doing things.

Oh well. That was it really.

I thought maybe I’d commit a little more to some sort of conclusion but… apparently not.

Sent from my iBath

On Ballet

Personnel: Tom
Location: The Bakerloo Line
Type of Recliner:  Standing
Reason for Lounge: Returning from the West End
Relative Comfort Rating: 1/5

Yet again, the Bakerloo line has proven to be a smelting pot of yet another small fraction of interest. And this was so un-contrived it’s not true.

The topic of Ballet arose between me and my accompanying friend and i’ll set forth, especially for YOU, my point. I would be interested to know what you think on the matter.

I feel that Ballet is pointless.

Bear-with-me.

Let me explain first off that i am as pretentious a Bohemian as you might never wish to cross paths with over a bottle of Proseco in a Soho drinking hole. I love contemporary classical music & jazz, appreciate the power of modern fine-art and independent film and enjoy a jaunt to the theater once in a while. However. Dance. I don’t get it.

When you go to a concert you are invited to experience all the emotions and colours and one can create ones own visualization based on what the composer intends for you. Fine. So let’s add the idea of motion to this, via Ballet. I genuinely feel that it doesn’t ADD anything to the ‘art’. The music is wonderful and enveloping and beautifully tells the story to which you can fantasize whatever you will. But by imposing dance upon this, in my humble opinion, does little more than limit the experience! It takes the power out of allowing the visuals and colors to take place in the mind and restricts the viewer to what s/he sees prancing in front of him/her. In somewhat of the same way people don’t like to watch the film before they’ve read the book.

I realise this may sound glib, and i have no problems with ‘dance’ per se, despite not really understanding it. I do think that as part of an aggregation of several other forms it can certainly have a place and go a distance to heightening the experience for the viewer. That is to say, combined with song, music, drama, whatever, it can be extremely moving and powerful. But, to limit the viewers experience to music, which COULD and often DOES stand alone, plus dance which does no add anything emotionally, and arguably detracts visually/ mentally, i find in favor of - “pointless”.

To use the metaphor i bumbled through on our favorite train line:

It’s like a beautiful woman; the form and curves stand alone. To simply put on a pair of shoes would only make a rather oddly erotic image but certainly doesn’t heighten her beauty. It is not until she finds an elegant red silk dress, sparkling golden jewelery and spends 3 hours on her hair and makeup that she will have added to the experience for her audience.